More than a third of men say romance novels, erotic fiction, or fan fiction have shaped what turns them on. Most of Gen Z isn't turning to porn when dating gets hard. And eight in 10 adults say the buildup is a huge part of what makes sex exciting. (So much for instant gratification.)
That's according to the new State of Dating report from Feeld, the dating app “for the curious” (including those interested in ethical non-monogamy, kink, and unconventional relationships), and honestly? I'm not the least bit surprised.
The report, titled Holding Out For a Slow Burn, was developed in collaboration with Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and Feeld's senior product data analyst, Sy Dusk.
Here’s what the report, with insights from 3,310 adults in the U.S. and UK, revealed about Gen Z’s dating habits and modern dating in general.
Dating is obviously ‘missing something’
Across the survey, 80 percent of respondents said it was difficult to meet their sexual and romantic needs through IRL connections, and 73 percent agreed that “modern dating often feels like it’s missing something.” What’s missing? For 58 percent, it was authenticity and clear intentions.
Dating has been “optimized,” maybe too much. We have so many apps and algorithms, but is anyone really taking the time to put themselves out there and meet organically? Or are we retreating to our “romantasy” novels and TV shows just to feel something again?
“Dating apps can certainly make it harder for slow-burn attraction to develop because they encourage us to make snap judgments based on limited information,” Dr. Lehmiller tells Mashable. “And since there’s always another potential match just around the corner, it can be tempting to just keep swiping in search of an immediate spark instead of giving attraction time to grow.”
About those ‘goon caves’
The survey also found that nearly 60 percent of Gen Z men and more than 70 percent of Gen Z women do not turn to porn when real-world intimacy feels difficult. And in a separate 2026 Kinsey survey conducted in collaboration with Playboy and Julie Care, 34 percent of young men and 53 percent of young women said porn is something they “never watch.” Guess those “goon caves” aren’t as popular as the internet wants us to think.
Texting, sexting, and the occasional bot
Digital intimacy is taking over the world one sad little phone screen at a time. According to the latest survey, 81 percent of respondents said getting close to someone through a screen plays a role in their intimate lives. That’s not all AI — texting, sexting, and video calls count, too. But for one in six, digital intimacy is their main way of exploring intimacy, and about one in 10 turn to AI companions when connecting in real life gets difficult.
Some respondents said they believed digital intimacy could help their real-world relationships (29 percent), and 30 percent said it offers a way to explore their desires and vulnerabilities.
Yearning, sexual tension, and the slow burn
So, about that slow burn. The survey found that eight in 10 adults agreed that anticipation and buildup are "crucial to erotic excitement."
There are several reasons we might need more time to get there, including financial stress, the lingering effects of living through a pandemic, political turmoil, and general uncertainty — it’s enough for anyone to say, I’m not in the mood.
It’s called chemistry for a reason
The idea of love at first sight is, well, lovely. But attraction doesn’t always happen right away. Only 13 percent of people surveyed said attraction develops instantly, while 86 percent agreed that “attraction typically becomes stronger when two people create a shared story together through conversations, experiences, and future plans.”
Research cited in the report suggests that getting to know someone can give that spark a chance to grow. For example, when someone turns out to be “funnier than you expected,” that can be a turn-on for your brain — it can trigger what’s called a positive prediction error. Basically, you’re experiencing something even better than your brain expected, which leaves you wanting more.
Mistakes, or the little things that make us human, can also give us brain boners. But you usually have to like the person already for it to work. Seeing them spill their coffee or make an embarrassing admission can make them more endearing, not less. You get to see a little of who they are, unfiltered. And in a world where “looksmaxxing” is a thing, we could stand to be a little less polished.
“Our desire for a slow burn isn’t inherently incompatible with dating apps. But we need to be more intentional in how we use them,” says Dr. Lehmiller. “Instead of fast swiping in search of instant chemistry, we need to give people opportunities to surprise us and reveal new sides of themselves. That’s where the unexpected rewards lie, and where attraction has an opportunity to go beyond the surface.”
Getting our fix somewhere else
And so, we’ve been getting our fix through books, streaming series (Bridgerton, Heated Rivalry, and Off Campus, just to name a few), and even audiobooks and audio erotica like Dipsea and Quinn. Which I’m totally here for.
Media has become so entwined in our intimate lives that one survey respondent described his most intimate moment as “Watching TV and crying in my partner’s arm because the episode struck chords I was feeling because of a recent familial loss.”
Men want romance, too
Men are turning to romance media that “taps into fantasies of being desired, understood, and truly seen,” which usually (not always) isn’t shown in porn. In some surveys, men reported fantasizing about “passion, intimacy, and romance” more than the women did.
Before COVID, a Kinsey Institute survey found that 6 percent of men said romantic or erotic novels had shaped their sexual fantasies. In Feeld’s new survey, 37 percent of men said romance novels, erotic fiction, or fan fiction had shaped their desires. These aren’t identical comparisons, but the romance genre clearly isn’t just for women.
And “romance” doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing to everyone. Men in the survey were more likely to associate romance with physical affection and touch, while women were more likely to associate it with emotional openness and vulnerability.
That said, when asked about their most intimate non-sexual moments, men and women described similar things: cuddling, talking, being vulnerable, and really listening to one another.
So, how do we make the slow burn happen?
We can’t all live in a romantasy novel. But surely we can make time for a little sexual tension…
“It is quite funny to think about translating epic fantasy romance arcs into daily life filled with heading to work, taking out the bins, remembering to floss and reply to friends, and being generally unglamorous,” Ruby Rare, a sex educator and Feeld’s intimacy expert, tells Mashable. “But there are ways of weaving this in, and it all comes down to intentionality.”
Her advice? Tell the person you’re seeing that you want to take your time.
“Once you've connected with someone and felt that shared glimmer of excitement for what might come next, be vocal about your desire for a slow burn as an antidote to the self-gratification that we’ve become so used to,” Rare says.
“This isn't about going full Victorian and making courtship chaste and timid; instead, lean into activities that will deepen connection and intrigue between you. Write love letters, go for long walks where you challenge each other to stay off your phones and be present with each other, make out for as long as possible before things escalate.”
